Completely Serious College Application Supplement

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What you are about to read is the product in part of procrastination, a serious dislike for asinine writing, and a 15-minute long shower. If you are in the midst of college apps, I hope it will be a fantastic reference. For a more accurate representation of my current psychological state, please refer to this video. Enjoy!

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“Milo College brings together students from across the world able to overcome problems and learn from their resolution. Describe one issue you have faced and how it has impacted you (400 words)”

It is 9am. The clock on the wall stares at me. It is round and timely. Though it is early, I struggle to concentrate on the symbols that stretch across the whiteboard, which is white like the clock. It is then that I feel a tap in my shoulder. Alarmed; dazed; confused; and brimgoggled; I turn around to discover my friend’s phone inches from my face. On the screen is what many might call a “loaf cat”– but which my sixteen digit IQ only allows me to refer to as a rectangularly prismed feline– accompanied by the caption “beepe boop”. The cat seems to be spinning, as though affected by angular acceleration.

I could feel at that moment the weaker part of me begin to tremble. I wanted to “giggle” because I found the text amusing, but reasoned that this would bring upon me the ire of the professor. It was only a moment that I faltered, for seconds later I stood up in a flash of convalescence, remembering that, at the age 15, I still did not own a single Fortune 500 company. Overtaken by entrepreneurship, I screamed at my algebra teacher: “Why can’t we learn about something more interesting, like the skibidi toilet!” The room fell silent. Then, slowly, claps began to sound across the classroom. It quickly rose to deafening levels (close to 50 decibels). The teacher, outsmarted, fell to the ground shaking and began to cry. I had won.

A lot has changed since that day. Sometimes I think of my dog, who was very ill when I was a kid and from whose illness I mentally recovered from thanks to my strength of will and moral character and the power of friendship. Other times, I think back to when I was only 5 and studied differential equations and chiral patterns in extrasolar celestial bodies because I was bored and obviously superior to everyone else. Nowadays, I am busy starting non-profits every morning and playing sports at the national level. But I will never forget that day, when, dragged down by the weight of societal expectations, I finally broke free of these earthly shackles thanks to my own leadership skills and 19 trillion SAT score.